Friday, December 23, 2011

Life is fragile.

Today, Lydia and I drove up to Kaiser Sunset in Los Angeles, where we will be delivering, and met with a new round of doctors. We had an echocardiogram with both a Perinatologist and a Pediatric Cardiologist to further detail Charlotte’s diagnosis and plan for treatment.

They are still leaning towards a straight forward transposition, but there are a few new concerns. Her pulmonary artery, one of the vessels they have to switch, is measuring a bit small. Almost half of what it should be. They assured us that this may not be an issue because she is still growing, but it could cause complications if it doesn’t grow large enough. There also appears to be a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD) or a hole in her heart. This again isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as it can allow more mixture of blood between the ventricles, but they won’t know the extent of the hole until she is delivered. If it’s too big it can cause more complications. These are all things we really don’t like to hear; the unknown’s, the what if’s, the let’s wait and see’s, but we do still feel an overwhelming peace and comfort through it all.

A highlight was getting to tour the Labor and Delivery department as well as the NICU where Charlotte will recover. We were greeted by such an amazing staff and treated not as patients but as family. We probably met over twenty doctors and nurses and they each wanted to know our names and they each made us feel so comforted and assured that we were in the right place. We really felt a lot of love in that place. An intense moment came when Lydia and I walked into the NICU surrounded by a dozen or so premature and critical care babies. We were brought to tears by the site. Life is so incredibly fragile.

Our next cardiology appointment is in January. Please continue to pray for our little girl. That she would be healed. That her valve would grow to the perfect size. That the hole would seal up. That she would be restored.

Thank you for journeying with us. We love you.

Love, Jon and Lydia

Saturday, December 17, 2011

He is never too busy

This is our story right now, this is our story right now, this is our story right now. I wake up daily thinking, "Is this really happening? Is this really OUR story?" Yet, amidst this nightmare of a reality we are facing, we feel joy and hope. The kind you feel when you walk outside on a perfect summer day and there is not a care in the world. How can we still feel this kind of joy during these times? I have realized that I have been feeling more hope the more I get to know who God really is. I’ve been learning to cry out to Him in times of anger. I have been weeping in His lap asking Him for real answers. I’ve been learning to be real with Him. No more faking. No more saying, “I’m fine,” when I’m not. I have nothing to lose, so here I am Lord, all of me, the good and the bad. Over the years I have built this wall up around myself. It’s hard to let people in. It’s hard for me to be real and express my real feelings to others. I have bad habits of saying, “Everything is ok,” then getting in my car and losing it. I have found myself, on many occasions, driving down the freeway weeping then telling myself, “Suck it up, your fine.” Does God really want me to weep in silence, alone? No.

He wants all of me, not just the thankfulness and joy. He wants and loves it all. This last week I have been practicing being me, being honest with how I feel. By doing this I have been getting to know God on a different level. I am falling in love with a God who is good, shows beauty, love, trustworthiness, is self-sacrificing, and forgiving. He is powerful and caring and is only out for my good. He wants to hold me in His arms and cradle me as his daughter. But, if I don’t cry out to Him and tell Him I’m hurting I will miss out on curling up in His lap and feeling the overwhelming comfort He has for me, Lydia Sue Rosene, His favorite.

I choose to wake up everyday, crawl into His lap and be me. I choose to be real and except the unconditional time and love He has reserved just for me. He is never too busy!

My precious Charlotte,

You aren’t even born yet and you are teaching your mama so much. I can’t wait to kiss your face all over, count your fingers and play piggy with your toes. I can’t wait to brush your hair and dress you up. I can’t wait to get our nails done together and have picnics in the park. I can’t wait to teach you all about Jesus and pray with you everyday. But most of all I can’t wait to hear you cry out, “Mommy,” and run into my arms. You are my dream come true little one!

XOXOX,
Mommy

Friday, December 2, 2011

The good things peculiar to the good

“I know that Christ is closer to me than I am to myself. Christ lives in me and I live by his faith. I am not alone. The love of the Father, the redemption of Jesus and the communion I have with the Spirit are not based on anything I do. It is a gift from the holy Spirit to believe in a God who is good even when things look bleak”. James Bryan Smith - The Good and Beautiful God

I am going through a book with a few friends called The Good and Beautiful God. It has been leading us through a journey to better understand who God is and in turn helping to expose some of the false narratives we have engrained in our minds. This weeks chapter has really rocked me and helped me to understand some questions I ask from time to time. It’s been hard not to ask, “Why Lord? Why us? Why little innocent Charlotte? How did we fall into the 1% chance of a heart defect? What could we have possibly done to deserve this?” This week I was reminded of John 9:2-3 when Jesus was asked why a man was born blind. Whether it was because he had sinned or his parents had sinned. According to the common narrative of that time, someone had to have done something to deserve such a condition. Jesus transforms that narrative and shows us a God who reveals himself through our brokenness. Jesus responded by saying, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that the Lords work might be revealed in him.” In the end Jesus healed the blind man and so revealed the power of God. It was used as Gods chance to manifest healing power in the man’s life. I can already see Charlotte’s testimony and blessing on others unfolding before us. Whatever happens, I know that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

I will never understand why sometimes the sun shines on the evil and rains on the good. It’s not something worth wasting time trying to figure out. Saint Augustine says, “Rather we must seek out the good things peculiar to the good, and give the widest berth to the evils peculiar to evil men.” I choose to focus on the unconditional love and goodness our father has for us. I am reminded of this daily when I wake up in the most comfortable bed on earth, next to the man of my dreams. Realizing we are so wealthy and blessed just by owning a refrigerator filled with food and a car to drive us to our jobs. We have the most supportive community and an incredible family who would do anything for us. He always takes care of us. Why would he stop now? I will choose not to loose sight of all the blessings in my life even when the weight of this world tries so hard to pull me in the opposite direction. We have discovered and are focusing our hearts on the “things peculiar to the good” because His yolk is easy and His burden is light. Never have those words brought us so much comfort and joy than now.

- Love, Lydia.